Hey Everybody...

If I had a life theme for the last few months it would be Reading and Siestas. If there were something deeper it would be Selfishness and Esteeming Others More Highly Than Myself.


 Living an isolated life in a large group of people creates a strange dynamic. I'm always with people, but hampered by language issues, I'm rarely "with" people. The interactions and friendships are real, but limited. I'm familiar with, and enjoy, the challenges and loneliness of truly being alone and the interaction and growth that comes from living in community, but this middle ground is messing with me. Having a crack-load of downtime doesn't help much.

I don't want to be self-centered, but it's hard not to be when you are human and you spend a lot of time in introspection. I am selfish and thinking about my selfishness doesn't fix anything. Getting down on myself for being self-centered only adds fuel to the fire, like a narcissist calling everyone's attention to how narcissistic he is and telling them how awesome he is to have seen his flaw and to be doing something about it. So yeah, I see the irony of writing an introspective blog about being self-centered.


For the lat few months, when faced with one of those dinky moments of frustration founded in someone screwing with my perfect little world, there has been a voice in my head repeating, esteem others more highly than yourself, esteem others more highly than yourself, esteem others more highly than yourself... baby steps.


I don't think I'm more selfish in Haiti than in the U.S. it's just a lot harder to hide in the distractions of life out here. I get to see more of my brokenness and then feel stupid for paying attention when there is other stuff to do. Hopefully that voice will have more of an impact on my actions when I get home, hopefully I'll think of others before myself, hopefully I'll be better at loving others rather than being frustrated by trying to figure out how to be better at loving others... hopefully Anchor Man 2 doesn't suck.


Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
Philippians 2:3-4

Deja Vu All Over Again

Started working on an old project again and I read this, thought you might like it,
 

"God isn’t content with yesterday. If our eyes rest on how things were we miss the new horizon, the next stage God calls us towards. Christianity should never be comfortable; it should always be a challenge. The moment life revealed by Christ stops challenging the way we see and relate to the world around us we know we’ve lost sight of Jesus. As far as this life is concerned, there is no arrival, there is always a next step and a new challenge intended to bring us closer to the reality of God and his kingdom. We can rest in the knowledge of God’s love for us, the authority of his action, his deep intent, and our identity as sons and daughters of God, but we can never rest in thinking there is nothing more to do and nothing left to learn. The deep challenge of true relationship is the ever-present demand to love and love deeper, better, and more fully than the day before. The expectation to maintain an old self or a present comfort distracts from the point of the thing. Like a young child, growing pains are a necessary reality of becoming a full-grown being. When we seek to maintain, rather than embrace the challenge of growth, we embrace our own disfigurement and stunted growth."

I've got about a month left in Haiti and I want to finish well, no idea what that looks like or what comes next.

A New Commandment

In my perfect world Ash would be the ideal guy to model missions on. Wisecracking plays, knowledge is only moderately useful, shop smart shop S-Mart, and always go with the boom-stick and chainsaw combo. Unfortunately there is a little issue with reality, and just because a bunch of other people like to ignore it doesn't mean I get to.

"What are we doing?" it's a question a friend of mine in ministry asks all the time. It's a question I've been asking a lot lately as well. Not from a defeatist, pull your hair out, drown your sorrows sort of way... at least not mostly. It's a question that needs an answer, or at least a good effort at one. I asked it a bit when in Uganda, a bit more in San Diego, and a whole lot now that I'm in Haiti. The answer is slowly becoming simple, but that doesn't mean it's any easier to walk out.

I believe humanitarians don't need to be Christians, but that Christians need to be humanitarians. You can't possibly read the prophets, or the New Testament, and come to any other conclusion. Here is the problem, the humanitarian aid community (faith based or otherwise) has caused a lot of damage in a lot of places. Haiti was better off several decades ago before a bunch of mostly well meaning people decided to lend a hand. It was a mess and had a bunch of need and opportunity to serve, but a lot of what took place destroyed a nation. If you don't believe me read Travesty In Haiti, by Timothy Schwartz... for that matter read it any way. He spent ten years over here and lived out a bunch of the stuff I've glimpsed and suspected. A bunch of it I've seen other places as well, tho not nearly as condensed as here.

As a side note, if you are a book geek and you want to experience slingshot idealism, read The End Of Poverty, followed by White Mans Burden, and then Travesty In Haiti. At the end of the first you will want to turn Sachs into a saint, after the second you'll think he is a bit of an idealist and at best simpleminded, by the end of the third you'll want to drag him out into the street by his toenails and do some pretty horrendous stuff to him. Then, remember he's a good guy who's spent a chunk of his life trying to figure out how to help people and make the world a better place.

Here is the thing, there is a big difference between helping and wanting to help. They are both good, but they don't always go together, especially when you expand the scale and reduce personal interaction. Even when you keep it small and maintain personal interaction it is easy to screw things up. Because guess what? Living in a different culture means the things you thought were logic, common sense, and natural no longer play. This isn't right or wrong, it just is. And so you ask yourself, "What am I doing?"

What I've come to believe is that the Gospel is universal in it's significance and applicability, it's the power of God and it's meant to set people free. It quite possibly is the only thing that really matters. Everyone needs this... I need this. Here is the catch, I don't think it can be enacted outside community. At least not usually. The sucky thing about this "catch" is that community is often difficult, time consuming, and carries a high personal cost. It takes a lot of the glamor out of missions and ministry, and it's something I'm not always that good at. An emphasis on the Gospel and community doesn't eliminate the need for humanitarian/charitable action, rather it provides a framework of accountability, feedback, and insight into what the real needs are... not the ones we perceive from the other side of the world and are happy to throw our money at. So I ask myself, "What am I doing?"

I'm slowly figuring out how to answer this question in a way I can apply to my life, and I hope I'm not the only one. In the mean time I'm trying to live by a new commandment: Don't Break Anything. This is also known as: do no harm, don't piss in the pool, think then act, caring doesn't always equal compassion, want isn't the same as need, money corrupts and a lot of money corrupts a lot more, If you don't give your kids a bag of candy what makes you think it's a good idea with another person's kids (except for me, you can always give me candy), spitting on someone is sometimes a compliment but don't ever role the dice, doing nothing may be the most productive thing you do all day, and if you can't laugh at yourself what's the point?

Mangoes In The Teeth

Being in Haiti during mango season means learning to floss on a daily basis, it also means learning to check yourself.

Cultural mindsets can be a bit tricky to walk around. Some I need to let challenge me, some I need to learn how to challenge, and some I need to keep my mouth shut about. I'm not a sociologist, I don't hold any culture immune to criticism. Sometimes we need to stand up and in the words of Mal from Silverado say, "That aint right." If I use western culture as THE standard of comparison then freely criticize me, I probably deserve it. Even if I'm right in the instant, there's something wrong if I can't find a higher standard for support.

Watching kids throw mangoes at trees to knock other mangoes to the ground... then leave them there because they'd rather not walk in the mud to get them, is something I need to keep my mouth shut about. Sure it's wasteful, maybe 1 in 4 actually gets eaten, but there are a freak-ton of mangoes (this is a scientific term) and there just aren't enough people to eat em all. Saying "Hey, the way you've been doing this all your life isn't a good management of resources." Is like criticizing a Grizzly at the height of the salmon run for only eating the brains and skin, it only makes me look like and idiot and the principle of the matter isn't that great of a hill to die on.

I was talking with a pastor friend and he made the statement that in ten years the situation in Haiti would be better. I asked him what was going to happen that would make things better. He thought about it for a bit then said, "If we don't improve things ourselves, America will occupy us." The strange thing is an American occupation fit into his concept of "things being better", hows that for an argument against neocolonialism? I told him he didn't want things to get bad enough for America to occupy, an earthquake and some nasty poverty wouldn't cut it. I mean, we didn't even interfere in Rwanda and that was before we scalded our hands in Iraq.

There are things that just aren't right, and not in the mangoes rotting sense. Corruption, abuse, oppression, mental and physical poverty, etc. deserve a reaction, they demand a response regardless the culture we come from or the one we are in. But those issues aren't unique to Haiti and we aren't free from them in America. When we react we need to do so with a higher standard in mind. Jesus seems like a good start, he acted independent of local politics, religious catchphrases, and cultural elitism. He didn't overlook the world around him, but he didn't limit himself to worldly solutions either. I'm trying to figure out what that looks like in my life, and God knows it'd be good to figure out what it looks like in Haiti.

Self serving comments about other self serving people

I tend to dislike awareness campaigns, the "I wear a bracelet because I know and I care" type stuff. It seems fairly self important and meaningless. What kind of idiot would I be if I walked around San Diego with a homelessness awareness bracelet and went to college groups talking about the issue rather than doing something practical for the people on the street. I found out today a friend of mine, one I lost track of years ago, finally died. I don't know if he died on the street, but I know he spent a lot of the last ten years there. A lot of us tried to help him over the years, but it seems his demons stayed with him longer than some of us who loved him yet couldn't figure out what to do. I was always sad I didn't know how to help him - sorry M.

I think Kony 2012 is different. Invisible Children isn't a perfect organization, but I have a hard time criticizing them when they do stuff no one else does. Are they potentially self important white guys who are trying to save Africa? Maybe, but that doesn't mean they are like all the others who have tried. I'd much rather have their track record than the UN's, that 1 Million T-Shirts guy, or a whole host of others who've had the good sense to stay out of the spotlight. In reality, there isn't that much you or me can do to stop Kony, and yes he should be stopped, regardless of where he's now operating or how much he's scaled back his actions. Almost the only thing we can do is get vocal, tell others, and make a noise our politicians can't ignore. Though there are no guarantees, the U.S. staying involved in the hunt for Kony is more likely to be productive than if we walk away, something we've done a lot of in the past. It might all turn out horribly, but it's not like the LRA isn't abducting, killing, raping, and destroying lives right now, so yeah, doing something might be better than doing nothing... at least for those yet to be abused and destroyed.

This chick has made a popular argument against what I just said, but she doesn't fairly represent the movie, IC, or the reality on the ground. LRA is a northern Ugandan issue, he never touched the south, and most all of his impact was in the Acholi tribe. So yeah, he isn't that big of a deal right now for a lot of people in Uganda, then again, there were a lot of people in Uganda that never cared too much about him or what he was doing.

The only real issue I have with Kony 2012 is that it might create the impression stopping Kony will fix everything, it wont. He's just one of many wicked little men doing everything he can to destroy lives and torment good people in East Africa, and for that matter around the world. Regardless of what happens to him, there are a lot of people who can use your prayers and actions, some of them probably won't be helped, but some of them will - I've seen them, walked with them, talked and cried with them, and shared their food. The "white man" can't save Africa, but brothers and sisters can help brothers and sisters regardless their history or the color of their skin.

All that glitters is not gold

Haiti has the ability to make you think about things you really don't want to think about. It has the potential to reveal the best and worst in us. A few hours from the U.S. Haiti is the pet project of a massive number of NGO's and church groups, many of which were here long before the earthquake, and yet, Haiti is worse off than it was 30 years ago (not even counting the earthquake). This prompts the question, "What are we actually doing?" I mean, is Haiti the bleeding hearts Disneyland, it's need making us feel needed, so lets not worry about the deeper issues as long as there are orphans to hold? It's not intentional, most of us aren't bad people, but there is something ironic about criticizing TOMS for the negative impact their free shoes have on local economies and the way they help create dependent mindsets, while in the next breath talking about bringing donated sandals out for the at risk kids we work with.

In the last month I've seen massive organizations that do amazing work, I've seen micro organization that do everything they can for those in need, at great personal cost to those in charge. I've been the token white guy that enables kids to get food just because he is white and therefore "trustworthy" with the resources available, while at the same time seen locals refused those resources because the trend of selling food meant for orphans so the higher-ups get some cash has developed, or at least come to light. I've got local friends who say this, as well as much worse stuff, happens. I've been told of Haitian pastors going to America to raise funds for their ministries, and the orphans they take care of, only to spend the donations on private homes new cars and school for their own kids, with hardly a dime going to the kids in the pictures. Some lighter skinned missionaries are far from innocent of these and worse practices.

Money and good intentions are as likely to fix Haiti as a lack of action bolstered by indifference. A friend asked me what I would do for Haiti if I were the president of the United States. I couldn't answer him. I told him the truth, America can't fix things here. At the same time, we can help, we just can't do it in ignorance and with shaded glasses. If we care about God, and at least pretend to be Christians, when we read:

“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ Matt. 25:34-40

we shouldn't ask "What does this mean?" as if we were that stupid, but "What does that look like where I am?"

I wish I knew how to fix Haiti, I don't, I can't even fix myself. But I hope I can learn how to love God and love the people I'm around.

Something Easy to Get Started

So I'm in Haiti now and still wondering what comes next. With the renewed anointing of power, the electricity has been off for a week, I thought I'd post a few pictures that reminded me of Africa. Kriss Kross, snot, baby goats, tire toy, massive spiders, etc.